Suicidal Urges*

This is for all of you out there who have lost the will to live.

For those who feel they are not loved by anyone anymore.

And for those who believe there is no more meaning to this life.

You need to know one thing. You are right.

As in look at you.. you need to move on.. NO one's gonna miss you..

You should take that leap of no-hope. But if you're gonna go.. why not so you would be remembered for it?

Think about it, instead of hitting page 745 in the news paper, you will be front page material.

So here are some techniques to spice up your suicide!!!

1) If you plan on jumping off a building, wear a superman outfit and stick a green crystal in your arm pit, arse, where ever. Just a simple old fashion jump of a building.... boring!!

A superman outfit would make people go "LOOK .. up in the air... its a bird.. its a plane.. NO .. its *SPLAT* .. Subramaniam... ". (just a sample name). You will get a facebook page, wikipedia entry. They will make a movie on you. Some comics geeks will even believe you to be the real Superman and associate the green crystal to your death. And here's something that can take it one notch further up.. loose the pants! Just the red underwear. Are you getting a glimpse of the events to come?

2) Dress up as Barney and dart across any highway of your choice, pausing to do the macarena. Try to get hit my something large. You will do humanity a great deed by freaking out all the kids of the planet into believing Barney was killed. If you know a group of friends or relatives who would like to commit suicide along side you, then they can dress up as the teletubbies. In one glorious moment all off you will be taken out AND .. you won't leave a mess to clean up.

3) If you plan on hanging yourself and you never had the money to go bungee jumping. This is your golden opportunity. Just simply attach the bungee rope to your neck. To throw in some more awesomeness into to this, wear a Captain Planet outfit and stick a contaminated sock in your mouth.

4) Dress up as He-Man (rather dress down). Make sure you have the power sword and everything. Then wander off into a forest and try to piss a tiger off by screaming "I Have The Power" into its ears. Make sure you attach a camera on a tree to capture this, else there might not be anything but the sword left for the newspapers. Put the directions to the camera in forest in a mail to the newspaper company BEFORE you leave. When you're being eaten remember to hum the theme song loudly to the camera.

# a variation of this is - dress up as Mowgli and try to salsa with a wild bear.

5) Pick a nice tall office building and pick a convenient office time. Tie a rope to the top of this office building and toss the other end to a near by building of similar height. Dress up as Spideman/Tarzan and swing from the top of the nearby building on to the office building. There are two things that could happen. You would either swing in right through one of many windows and interrupt a board meeting with your death. OR . you would have miscalculated the length of the rope and scrape the road below with your belly. Both would work out just fine for the papers.

Remember this might be your last chance to BE somebody. So think about it. Its for a good cause.

- humble me
*This is a humour page, please don't consider trying this. 
What has the world come to? Certain inhabitants need disclaimers like this.