Things I have done to snoring train passengers, Thing #348

So the other night on a night train from Bangalore to Chennai.. I board in, find my place.. A nice side upper berth..I’m tired, I need to sleep, I’m hoping to not run into any disturbances..

And then it happens.. the ‘it’ being a ‘he’ in this case (well sort of). Tall , dark (black for all practical purposes), fat, living lard of a man gets on board.. This gentleman in his lungi, finally after struggling with the bed-sheets for a while, settles into his middle berth.. much like a blob of jelly would into a bowl.

I see from a distance.. the wall thickness of his nostrils .. 4cm at least .. (no, I didn't measure it with a vernier callipers bitch.. Just read on!)
Its the kind of nostril walls that can withstand the air intensities inside a wind tunnel..
Its the kind of nostril walls that can simultaneously produce the highs of a soprano sax and the baritone of a tuba..

An omega class snorer was gracing the compartment with his nose that night.. 

This following diagram will help in getting a perspective of the scene that night in the compartment.

Snoring for most people is something which is annoying .. but when tired they can forget and forgive .. and go to sleep.. So usually in train journeys many sleep, some struggle and the remaining snore. Though I was worried that the potential middle berth traveller might set hell loose with his nasal orchestra, I was tired.. so I actually did fall asleep.. phew!

After sometime, suddenly I'm awake.. I’m not sure if it is morning .. it’s still dark .. looking at the time, its 2am .. my eyes are watering.. and I’m wondering “why the f@#k am I up?” ... I never really wake up in the midst of REM for no reason unless ..... !! and then my brain starts to focus on the signals my ears have been transmitting for a while now.. 

Principle of Gear Wheels

In the above figure, when gear wheel A rotates in the clockwise direction, it causes the gear wheel B to rotate in the anti-clockwise direction. Now let’s for the moment assume that these gear wheels are made of Adamantium. Let’s also say these gears are rotating just about as fast as a regular pedestal fan on high. Now, Wolverine (who happens to pass by the setup), just for the f@#k of it, decides to shove his claws in between the gears.... 

That’s the noise my ears were registering, the noise which woke me up at 2am! It was that Fat. Black. Ugly. Snoring Ba$tard. indeed... My head is ringing and there is NO way I could get back to the sleeping part of my journey. I try a few basic tactics to get the f@#ker to flip to his side.. kick his foot, put a spare bed sheet on his face (Ref: Thing 16). NOTHING works.. and the brain drilling snoring Just. Wouldn’t. Stop. Ideally, I would liked to have dropped an anvil on his nose.. but I wasn’t around any..

So I sit awake thinking about the situation. “I don’t get to sleep because of a fat f$@k who is in DEEP sleep? in a posture which one would get into to shoot babies out? If I ain’t sleeping, you ain't sleeping either bitch!”.  I then notice a bottle of water in the sleeve of his berth. Its full. I quickly pick it up, open it, place it in between his legs (did I mention his posture?), run back up to my side upper berth, get under the blanket and just wait for inertia to do rest of the trick!
 

Figure for reference below:

<tadak> <tadak> .. and the bottle sways ..

<tadak> <tadak> <tadak>.. and the bottle sways some more ..

<tadak> <tadak> <tadak> <tadak>.. and the bottle still doesn’t fall over..

Just then the most unexpected thing happens, the snoring fat man closes in both his legs, his knees clamp the top of the bottle.. and I'm thinking “SHIT! Game over.. he’ll notice the bottle and just put it back and I have to work ALL the way from top again!”. 

But NO, he knee-clamps the bottle and just turns about to his side, there by taking the bottle to a sweet horizontal position. I realized I hadn’t taken off my glasses and so to avoid suspicion I flipped quickly to face away.

I can’t see what’s going on.. But, 

<glub> <baglub> <baglub> <glub> <glub> <glub> <glub> <glub><glub> <glub>

I hear the sound of water..
 

<suuhfreeesh> < suuhfrusssh >  <shuffle> <shuffle>

Then bit of a damp struggle inbetween the sheets.
 

Then a lot more struggle..

<shuffle> <shuffle><shuffle> <rustle><bustle>
 

And,

<thump> <thump>!!

He’s gotten off his berth. He’s standing, awake, wondering..
 

<flisch> <flisch> <flllloosch> <flllloosch>

Sounds like he’s clearing off all the water from his berth with his hands.

Then a moment of silence again.. he’s probably wondering “did I just wet my bed?”, “but I stopped doing that many months ago!”, “I took up snoring loudly on trains instead” ... 
 

<flllloosch> <flllloosch><flllliissshh><fllllisshhh>
 

And I hear him thumping away to leave the compartment.. may to dry up.. may be change.. may be jump off the train on to a stationary pole.. It didn’t matter.. the gears had stopped spinning, wolverine had taken his claws out.. I slept!.. next thing I knew it was morning.. and a coolie was yelling ‘Madras’ in my ear.. and there was no sign of fat black ba$tard..
 

So folks, feel free to try this out if your night’s sleep is ever ruined.

- Guest from Bangalore