Daily Horoscopes

 

Aries:

You may be planning to make fundamental changes to your lifestyle and your sex at this time. You have a greater self-confidence now and should dress in latex and carry a whip. As you embark on new beginnings, you might end up dead; try to stay alive. Your home environment, surroundings and friends are all pretty much mother f*ckers. Your communication skills are good today, tomorrow you'll be back to sounding like George Bush. You could gain from young people--of course, you'll end up in jail for that. Guiding, advising and just having a plain old good time is in order this afternoon - basically you will be alone in the afternoon. Music can be a big part of your evening--but since you have musical ear of an orangutan's tick, shucks!

Taurus:

You may develop an interest in spiritual studies and self-improvement; basically masturbation. You feel optimistic, tolerant and secure. You may find travel to the bathroom be rejuvenating, bringing renewal to your sense of optimism and spiritual bowel movements. You can release outmoded beliefs and discover hidden truths and wisdom - keep tissue handy. A get-together with friends can prove rewarding this evening, but your only friend is a dead chihuahua so that's that. You will work with real imagination and understanding in areas of the mind that are the most personal or private-depth psychology; you will also get fired from your job for this. You accept the natural process of birth, spiritual and physical. You dedicate yourself to helping this process along; because you see, people of other star signs believe human babies are puked out of guava trees.

Gemini:

You have increased self-confidence to try new things like kicking a random guy in his nuts. You pursue your goals for greater independence but get arrested for kicking the random guy in his nuts. There is change coming through stimulating friends and new acquaintances that you will make in jail. This can be a progressive period of the unexpected and favourable, bringing you a greater choice of being a sex slave. Your intuitive and inventive energies are steady and the time is favourable for most technological and humanitarian enterprises; but leave that to Steven Spielberg. You tend to be cautious and responsible in your self-expression and relationships but will get butt-f*cked anyways. However, friends, colleagues and partners give you added support. You can develop new skills and opportunities to advance yourself to that ever-growing darkness in your. Your intuitive senses are on target with whatever you want to achieve. You are basically screwed.

Cancer:

Known medically as a malignant neoplasm, is a broad group of various diseases, all involving unregulated cell growth. In cancer, cells divide and grow uncontrollably, forming malignant tumours, and invade nearby parts of the body. The cancer may also spread to more distant parts of the body through the lymphatic system or bloodstream. Not all tumours are cancerous. Benign tumours do not grow uncontrollably, do not invade neighbouring tissues, and do not spread throughout the body. There are over 200 different known cancers that afflict humans. So, Good Luck with that.

Leo:

You may desire to change your TV along with your wife soon. You seek the trust and confidence of the town hooker. You may begin a morning run or walk to induce a mild heart attack. Sorting through cookbooks and purchasing new ones may help you create a clot in your blood vessel. You have a confident, optimistic outlook but you will be raped by a rabid dog. You may reassess your values and search for a new identity but the dog will keep finding you nevertheless. Sales and legal matters are favoured - so become a prostitute. You may feel pressure to expand into a more affluent lifestyle, but you are poor bitch so let it slide. Learn to look at your progress as though it were your last. Getting to know a distant cousin or half-sister or brother may bring a great deal of joy your way but at the same time gets you arrested for attempted rape. This is a great time to get caught in bed with other people's spouses.

Virgo:

Everything points to you taking your clothes off in public today. You will feel great support from those around you as your bra is no longer on you. This is a lucky day for others as energies are against your favour. Your career, is done, over, finished.  Your reputation and image are a source of concern and you do everything you can to make them solid; however the stripping will help little. Your job security to you is like a mouse trap to a spider. You may also find that over the past few months you have gained a new group of friends who wedgie you in the mornings. These people have similar goals to your own but use you like their football. Watch out for that daily kick in the nuts. Your life moves forward towards both positive and negative electrodes of the UPS powering your office building. 

Libra:

A new song on the radio has you humming throughout the morning; an axe will find its way to your throat for this. Things may be tough and aggressive today, Libra, but that doesn't mean you can't make progress; dying is progress given the quality of your life. Action planet Mars will not affect your life, although the Mars Rover may affect the tiny little life on Mars. You are focused on making advances not only your career but also at your maid; she will kick you in the gonads. Stop drop and roll when this happens. Try to keep as much of your business as private as you can so others don't try to use your success against you .... psyche! we were just kidding, nothing you do is what one can define as successful. If you are lucky you might not get sued for coming up with such horrible original ideas.

Scorpio:

Jupiter is in your path, your groin is at its weakest. Careful with your toaster - there are high chances that it may pop the bread out so hard that the toasts ricochet off the ceiling and hit the gas knob on your stove. Following this the toaster would turn off because of the thermostat. Once there is enough gas in the kitchen, the toaster will turn itself on again to blow up the kitchen. At that time, you most likely would be in the bathroom taking a dump. The explosion would send you flying on to the bathroom door knob which will then connect to your groin. Once you are on the floor, the water from all the broken pipes will now fill the house. The toaster still connected to the power will now fall into the water and electrocute you. Otherwise you will have a great day today.

Sagittarius:

As you embark on new beginnings, you will choose to become a magician.
You will suck at first but then eventually you will get worse. Your choice to remain a magician depends on the position of the moon. When Saturn is in between the earth and the moon, you can stop being a magician. Pick up some books from the library about poisoning rats, try it on yourself because you suck anyways.
Mental effort intensifies now. You may have a curiosity about the unknown with a compulsive train of thought directed toward finding answers within yourself or toward solving problems. Your pet dog will learn to talk and start swearing at you.

Capricorn:

Find more ways to make your inventiveness work for you; blow up a nice big laboratory. Today may be a day of compromise. You will have to sell your children to repay for that lab you blew up. Watch out for your feet, they will play tricks on you. Try to avoid tripping yourself while at the edge of a cliff. Not only will you look silly, you will die. Avoid cycling to work today as a pigeon will hit you in the eye with its dropping and you will perform a somersault and land on a bed of nails. Avoid motorbikes as well because the same thing would happen at a higher speed. Wear an armour. You may develop an intellectual interest in psychology, mysticism, art, healing or poetry .. or not actually.

Aquarius:

This Sunday you may find that family members or friends want a lot of your attention. You are going to be married off to the village idiot .. as a joke. The joke would make people laugh and your expressions will be caught on camera. The footage will go viral on youtube. You will then be locked in the a room with the said village idiot for 7 days. Although unlike The Ring, you don't get to come back and do shit to the folks who watch the video. It could be that you will need to be flexible and use a little give-and-take attitude. Balance and moderation are the keywords for now.

Pisces:

Avoid food, bath, floors and doors. They will be your greatest enemies today. Avoid digesting food, sitting or standing. Avoid playing with ducks and their young ones. Avoid dropping your phone in to the toilet and then flushing. Avoid trying to lift your television using the suction of the vacuum cleaner. Avoid lifting your wife using the suction of the vacuum cleaner. Avoid taking a run up and jumping on to a wall. Avoid performing the Macarena when arrested for drunken driving. Avoid seeing anything with your eyes. Avoid footwear, gloves, trash cans and the Spiderman reboot movie. Avoid doing the YMCA dance at a funeral. Avoid fist fighting with a bear, orangutan or a Loch Ness monster. Avoid cutting vegetables on the running blades of a chopper. Avoid worrying about all this and be cool.