Digestive Pyrotechnics

Things I have done to snoring train passengers, Thing #16

Are you one of those people who struggle to sleep because the hell-racket emanating from a fellow passenger’s nostrils?

Tired of popping pill after pill just to surpass all the snorting and get some sleep?

Fear Not!

Try my fully tested and certified technique number #16

Its 3-step easy set up will get you done and sleeping in no time:

What you’ll need: a bed-sheet (A/C compartments anyways give you two)

1) Fold bed-sheet to the size of about 2 feet X 1 foot
2) Locate snorer whose nasal uproar is plaguing your sleep
3) Place the bed-sheet on the snorer’s face. Don’t have to be extra careful as a snoring whore is always in deep sleep.

And that’s it, you’re done!

Now the principle behind this is that the air available is a lot lesser and this causes the breathing to reduce and in turn, the snoring to stop. Sometimes the snorer might get woken up and turn to his side or go into coma due to insufficient oxygen. Either ways, you can get back to sleeping!

Happy Travelling!

- guest from Bangalore, India

Shhh! Police will come!

In countries outside india when a cop passes by.. your immediate reaction is usually not laughter.. It’s actually sometimes alertness just to make sure you’re not doing some shit out of place. Ever wonder why in India that’s never the case?

Simple, Indians use only one strategy to control their kids.. “if you misbehave, I’ll hand you over to the police!”.. “if u don’t ______ (eat, sleep, wake up, study, take a bath, have sex, drink milk, dance, sing, blah..) Police with come catch you!”

So in every kid’s head, a cop has the initial image of this warrior from the dark.. bearing the keys to the netherrealm.. Where he will take you once handed over. U will then be made to serve the overlords, polishing and filing their pet rhinoceros’ toe nails for all eternity, while the police-man beats you over and over with his primary weapon, the blades of exile!!

But then, you eventually figure out that a policeman is only really an oversized person in undersized clothes.. As illustrated below..

No weapons other than the force of gravity. Oh look, its Vasco da Gama’s gun right there..

So remember, when expectations are set so high in a kid’s early life, it’s surely going to result in just mere laughter when grown up.

Oh! For those who feel that the lack of respect or fear for cops is actually due to their involvement in corruption, or some other social factor, please feel free to PISS OFF! Go write your own blog or something!

Love,
humble me

Fruit Jam!!

Fruit Jam sold in the state of "Orissa" -

- Bumble Bee

Things I have done to snoring train passengers, Thing #348

So the other night on a night train from Bangalore to Chennai.. I board in, find my place.. A nice side upper berth..I’m tired, I need to sleep, I’m hoping to not run into any disturbances..

And then it happens.. the ‘it’ being a ‘he’ in this case (well sort of). Tall , dark (black for all practical purposes), fat, living lard of a man gets on board.. This gentleman in his lungi, finally after struggling with the bed-sheets for a while, settles into his middle berth.. much like a blob of jelly would into a bowl.

I see from a distance.. the wall thickness of his nostrils .. 4cm at least .. (no, I didn't measure it with a vernier callipers bitch.. Just read on!)
Its the kind of nostril walls that can withstand the air intensities inside a wind tunnel..
Its the kind of nostril walls that can simultaneously produce the highs of a soprano sax and the baritone of a tuba..

An omega class snorer was gracing the compartment with his nose that night..

This following diagram will help in getting a perspective of the scene that night in the compartment.

Snoring for most people is something which is annoying .. but when tired they can forget and forgive .. and go to sleep.. So usually in train journeys many sleep, some struggle and the remaining snore. Though I was worried that the potential middle berth traveller might set hell loose with his nasal orchestra, I was tired.. so I actually did fall asleep.. phew!

After sometime, suddenly I'm awake.. I’m not sure if it is morning .. it’s still dark .. looking at the time, its 2am .. my eyes are watering.. and I’m wondering “why the f@#k am I up?” ... I never really wake up in the midst of REM for no reason unless ..... !! and then my brain starts to focus on the signals my ears have been transmitting for a while now..

Principle of Gear Wheels

In the above figure, when gear wheel A rotates in the clockwise direction, it causes the gear wheel B to rotate in the anti-clockwise direction. Now let’s for the moment assume that these gear wheels are made of Adamantium. Let’s also say these gears are rotating just about as fast as a regular pedestal fan on high. Now, Wolverine (who happens to pass by the setup), just for the f@#k of it, decides to shove his claws in between the gears....

That’s the noise my ears were registering, the noise which woke me up at 2am! It was that Fat. Black. Ugly. Snoring Ba$tard. indeed... My head is ringing and there is NO way I could get back to the sleeping part of my journey. I try a few basic tactics to get the f@#ker to flip to his side.. kick his foot, put a spare bed sheet on his face (Ref: Thing 16). NOTHING works.. and the brain drilling snoring Just. Wouldn’t. Stop. Ideally, I would liked to have dropped an anvil on his nose.. but I wasn’t around any..

So I sit awake thinking about the situation. “I don’t get to sleep because of a fat f$@k who is in DEEP sleep? in a posture which one would get into to shoot babies out? If I ain’t sleeping, you ain't sleeping either bitch!”. I then notice a bottle of water in the sleeve of his berth. Its full. I quickly pick it up, open it, place it in between his legs (did I mention his posture?), run back up to my side upper berth, get under the blanket and just wait for inertia to do rest of the trick!

Figure for reference below:

<tadak> <tadak> .. and the bottle sways ..

<tadak> <tadak> <tadak>.. and the bottle sways some more ..

<tadak> <tadak> <tadak> <tadak>.. and the bottle still doesn’t fall over..

Just then the most unexpected thing happens, the snoring fat man closes in both his legs, his knees clamp the top of the bottle.. and I'm thinking “SHIT! Game over.. he’ll notice the bottle and just put it back and I have to work ALL the way from top again!”.

But NO, he knee-clamps the bottle and just turns about to his side, there by taking the bottle to a sweet horizontal position. I realized I hadn’t taken off my glasses and so to avoid suspicion I flipped quickly to face away.

I can’t see what’s going on.. But,

I hear the sound of water..

Then bit of a damp struggle inbetween the sheets.

Then a lot more struggle..

And,

<thump> <thump>!!

He’s gotten off his berth. He’s standing, awake, wondering..

Sounds like he’s clearing off all the water from his berth with his hands.

Then a moment of silence again.. he’s probably wondering “did I just wet my bed?”, “but I stopped doing that many months ago!”, “I took up snoring loudly on trains instead” ...

And I hear him thumping away to leave the compartment.. may to dry up.. may be change.. may be jump off the train on to a stationary pole.. It didn’t matter.. the gears had stopped spinning, wolverine had taken his claws out.. I slept!.. next thing I knew it was morning.. and a coolie was yelling ‘Madras’ in my ear.. and there was no sign of fat black ba$tard..

So folks, feel free to try this out if your night’s sleep is ever ruined.

- Guest from Bangalore

Beard Style

Once you have tried and tested all the possible hairstyles in the world and finally run out of hair (on your face)…
You can then grow a beard and then try out all of the various beard-styles.
Now here is a really interesting flip-symmetric style.

Prerequisite:
1) You need to have tried and tested all the possible hairstyles in the world and finally run out of hair.
2) Grow a beard.

Now work towards growing the beard only under the chin, and keep the cheeks relatively clean.
Get some length going and guide the beard forward as shown in Figure 1:

Figure 1

Now, what makes this interesting is that if you flip the head upside down, that looks like a face too.
Here, have a look.

-Humble Me

The ‘Marvel’ of Indian classical music

- Humble Me