Teleportation

Teleportation - is a term that refers to a number of theories and notions concerning the transfer of matter from one point to another without traversing through the physical space between them.

And now how did this phenomenon come into existence?? People over centuries have come up with various theories and there have been active debates between various scientists, scholars, sages, tantric voodoo practitioners around the world questioning the very possibility of the phenomenon.. And then there are general people who have witnessed this in the movies or in video games and think "Woah - this is cool".. But the simple truth is just that it's a daily occurrence in one of the most happening cities in India.. Hmm..  Still not getting it.. Now let's try answering this question - Which Indian city is otherwise known as the city - "which never sleeps"?? If you didn't guess this, then you can stop reading right here and find a metal pipe and point your temple towards it and do a vertical 100 meter fall.. Even then, here's a clue: This city boasts of the power of vada paav which enhanced Bhappi Lahari's vocal abilities by expanding and aligning his neck to his waist size and currently measures up to n! (where n is infinity)- And now coming back to the actual phenomenon - Let's answer another question - This celebrated city has the most prided form of transportation in the whole world? - This one's easy and yes it's indeed the freaking local trains. Millions of people are quiet oblivious to the fact that they are indeed the source behind one of the most mind-boggling theories of all times - 'teleporting'. Here's a picture that says it all - 

And well this is what happens when the teleportation just goes wrong..  

- Bumble Bee

Tripping... Tumbling...

Every one knows what it is to trip...

Everyone has tripped and tumbled many a times in their lives.

Everyone’s even laughed at someone else tripping and falling... well some people are funny when they trip and fall... you can't help but laugh... they’ve been created in a way to look funny when they fall. So its okay if you also were one of those people who secretly laughed at a fat person tripping on his shoe lace first, then on a banana peel and dived down a flight of stairs and broke his fall on a slab of reinforced titanium. Santa will still give you your present unless he was that fat person.

Typically humans trip a lot... being you know.. bi-ped and all...

Sometimes we can even see 4 legged animals tripping..

If you tried really hard.. you can even imagine a tyrannosaurus rex trip and fall…
 

 

But what on earth made this thing trip??

- humble me

(other fun observations include:
 - the biker who's got the expression you would have when a fly sits on you... and not an auto.
 - the dude on the right celebrating the activity with a dance and hand clap)

The Abomination

The following situation is both applicable to dance classes or aerobics sessions.

Many of us have been to the gym, taken up a membership .. felt good about our decision to lead a healthy life. And then the next day overslept .. lost the inertia for gymming all together and ended up feeling guilty and acquired a drinking habit as a result.

If one of such attempts involved an aerobics class or a dance class (when I say dance class, I mean group choreography, not Salsa/Jive) .. you must have encountered the Abomination.

Its easy to spot the Abomination, it will be a large person. (Of course if you're in an aerobics class that has all fit hot bodies bouncing it.. you're probably on the sets of a porn flick and you're not needed .. so take the exit)

What is an Abomination you ask?

An Abomination is that large person in the aerobics/dance class who is gifted with the following amazing skills:

 1) The gift of "all space was created for me to occupy". If there is a nice staggered formation in the session, the Abomination will most definitely choose to stand at a spot which would cause so much chaos, no butterflies would ever flap their wings. The position of choice would also eclipse the instructor from the remaining people in the class/world.

2) The gift of "all weight must be lost today". If there is a step that involves moving one foot to the right and one to the left, the Abomination will move to the right, wreck through the walls of the dance studio, plough through houses and schools on the right and then through the slums, offices and restaurants on the left. To get a sense of the variation in movement between the Abomination and the other people in class check below:

3) The gift of "all the toes' a stage". If you're fat and have not seen your toes for ages, you will be rudely reminded that your toes do exist and that they have blood vessels and nerve endings too! The Abomination will make sure to systematically step on everyone's toe during each cycle of a step. So if you think you're hearing people eating chips as they dance, you're mostly wrong and will soon need a doctor.

4) The gift of "beat me if you can". Its well known that the mass of a body causes gravitational pull on smaller masses around, and that the movement of the larger mass causes the smaller mass to follow. Though this is the science regarding matter, scientists have been able to confirm that this is not the case when it comes to rhythm. The rhythm of a music piece will not really give a f@$k about anyone and will continue to hold its pace. The Abomination is always completely unaware of this piece of scientific info. Expecting to see rhythm sense in an Abomination is like expecting to see a male t-rex's sex organ on a female sea-horse. The Abomination will always move flawlessly mis-coordinated with the beat that's playing. . Anyone else who gets a glimpse of this can encounter a catastrophic death. This is usually because the left half of the observer's brain will disagree with the right and both halves will then decide to enter the food stream and eventually be excreted. You'll be left embarrassed and dead at the same time.

Remember, the Abomination will combine and use all these skills at once. So hopefully you can use this info to locate the Abominations in your aerobics/dance classes before its too late for you.

- humble me.

Patience

One day in Kerala...

Key (Malayalam):
Avada = "over there"
Potta  = "blind person"


- humble me

A Breathtaking Moment

Every once in a while, in your everyday boring life, there comes a moment which makes you stop. It makes you stop doing everything your doing, stops you from giving a damn about anything you give a damn about. It flips every switch in your brain to standby. There is something so captivating about what you see that you just can't think about anything else other than pulling out your camera to capture that moment forever! To convert the visual into digital memory of pure awesomeness you can cherish for ever and ever.

The big question however is ... what the f*ck was it that this fellow was capturing???

- humble me

Su Song

yo boys i am singing song

su! song

flop song

why this fellow very fellow very dim

why this fellow very fellow very stink
rhythm correct

why this fellow very fellow very dim
maintain please

why this fellow very.....stink!

distance la Su-u boy-u 

boy-u  color-u  black-u

boy-u background night-u nigth-u

boy-u out of sight-u

why this fellow very fellow very dim

why this fellow very fellow very stink

white skin-u girl-u girl-u

girl-u smell-u nice-u

girl-u nose-u meet-u boy-u

girl-u puke-u death-u

why this fellow very fellow very stink

why this fellow very fellow very dim

maama notes eduthuko

apdiye kaila scent eduthuko
pa pa press pa pa press pa pa paa pa pa press
sariya poosi

super maama ready

ready 1 2 3 4

whaa wat a change over maama

ok maama perfume change-u

kaila grass-u

only english.. 

hand la grass-u

hair la scratch-u

body smell like beer-u

empty head-u

girl-u run-u

in-u vomit fear-u
 

smell-u smell-u
oh my smell-u

perfume can not null-u

cow-u cow-u holy cow-u

she wants the cow more-u

god i m kissing now-u

she is dead how-u?

this song for Su boys-u

dont we have nose-u?

why this fellow very fellow very dim

why this fellow very fellow very stink

why this fellow very fellow very dim

why this fellow very fellow very stink

flop song


- Irumam, Chennai

My name is ...

One evening,

- humble me

Suicidal Urges*

This is for all of you out there who have lost the will to live.

For those who feel they are not loved by anyone anymore.

And for those who believe there is no more meaning to this life.

You need to know one thing. You are right.

As in look at you.. you need to move on.. NO one's gonna miss you..

You should take that leap of no-hope. But if you're gonna go.. why not so you would be remembered for it?

Think about it, instead of hitting page 745 in the news paper, you will be front page material.

So here are some techniques to spice up your suicide!!!

1) If you plan on jumping off a building, wear a superman outfit and stick a green crystal in your arm pit, arse, where ever. Just a simple old fashion jump of a building.... boring!!

A superman outfit would make people go "LOOK .. up in the air... its a bird.. its a plane.. NO .. its *SPLAT* .. Subramaniam... ". (just a sample name). You will get a facebook page, wikipedia entry. They will make a movie on you. Some comics geeks will even believe you to be the real Superman and associate the green crystal to your death. And here's something that can take it one notch further up.. loose the pants! Just the red underwear. Are you getting a glimpse of the events to come?

2) Dress up as Barney and dart across any highway of your choice, pausing to do the macarena. Try to get hit my something large. You will do humanity a great deed by freaking out all the kids of the planet into believing Barney was killed. If you know a group of friends or relatives who would like to commit suicide along side you, then they can dress up as the teletubbies. In one glorious moment all off you will be taken out AND .. you won't leave a mess to clean up.

3) If you plan on hanging yourself and you never had the money to go bungee jumping. This is your golden opportunity. Just simply attach the bungee rope to your neck. To throw in some more awesomeness into to this, wear a Captain Planet outfit and stick a contaminated sock in your mouth.

4) Dress up as He-Man (rather dress down). Make sure you have the power sword and everything. Then wander off into a forest and try to piss a tiger off by screaming "I Have The Power" into its ears. Make sure you attach a camera on a tree to capture this, else there might not be anything but the sword left for the newspapers. Put the directions to the camera in forest in a mail to the newspaper company BEFORE you leave. When you're being eaten remember to hum the theme song loudly to the camera.

# a variation of this is - dress up as Mowgli and try to salsa with a wild bear.

5) Pick a nice tall office building and pick a convenient office time. Tie a rope to the top of this office building and toss the other end to a near by building of similar height. Dress up as Spideman/Tarzan and swing from the top of the nearby building on to the office building. There are two things that could happen. You would either swing in right through one of many windows and interrupt a board meeting with your death. OR . you would have miscalculated the length of the rope and scrape the road below with your belly. Both would work out just fine for the papers.

Remember this might be your last chance to BE somebody. So think about it. Its for a good cause.

- humble me
*This is a humour page, please don't consider trying this. 
What has the world come to? Certain inhabitants need disclaimers like this.

Brother-like

Let's start with a simple question .. What the F#&K?

Rakhi the (sacred) thread is tied by a girl on to the wrists of a boy who happens to be her brother (relative) .. or bother-like.

Brother-like:

This one happens to be one of the biggest loop-holes exposed and reused in the history of this planet.

The brother-like situation can fall under three broad categories:

1) A guy who's probably watched the girl grow up and has been helpful to the family to which the girl belongs. The kind of shit that Bollywood movies would show you. The typical "You're not my brother, but if I ever had one, even he wouldn't have done so much for me.. *weeeep* *snif* *sniffle*" (usually backed with a pathos played by Shehnai and everyone in the shot cries.. including the passing by milk man, spot boys and animals if any). Also in a couple of scenes, this sister character will be raped and butchered by the villain's right hand man. A non-Bollywood version of this brother-like situation would be really boring to discuss assuming they actually exist.

2) The shield-belt situation. Some girls have this primal need to set a target as high as Toyota for distributing Rakhi. The urge to be-sister every guy she sets her eyes on stems from her very womb. Boys find this festival to be the most disturbing day of each year. But not all boys. There are some equally deranged guys who believe that their sperm count is actually the number of sisters he must have in every district of the world. These boys and girls take the Indian pledge to a whole new meaning. (all Indians are our brothers and sisters?). Even Charlie Harper would remember more women he's been with than the number of sisters these brother-like guys would have. It becomes very complicated for a normal person to talk to this guy. Coz the demented moron would refer to all the girls he knows as "my sister".. and you wouldn't realise that he's talking about different girls. You would come out of the conversation thinking he's got one helluva sl*t for a sister who has slept with everyone in the world.

Anyways coming back to the girl...

Just like the Starship Enterprise has a force-field to shield itself from attacks, this situation arises from basic self defence. The subject girl spots the guy(s), she then with the help of her womb and loins assesses the boy's feelings. Most likely the guy might have breathed in air at this point of judgement. His loins would then be assessed as "one that must be contained". She will then whip out Rakhis at him so fast, ninjas will discontinue their usage of the ninja stars. The only difference between the Starship Enterprise and this girl is that the Enterprise actually needs a shield-belt. Many of these girls however fail to understand reflections and don't take into account that mirrors crack upon their gaze. So now, not only does the victim get a sister he doesn't want or need, he has to now deal with talking to her without loosing his eyesight or face in public.

These girls eventually stay unmarried because their weddings always stop half way. Before the man can pull out the mangalsutra to tie to her neck, she's already tied a Rakhi to his wrist (may be three). Even if they sedate her at the wedding and finish the ceremony without a Rakhi, the man would storm out of his 'first night' bedroom 'coz she's managed to tie a Rakhi to this balls (this usually causes a rash or an itch and is not pleasant for the guy... besides its not very sexy).

3) The incestation. This is a situation where the girl targets the male her chest is heaving for. But her upbringing has told her that wanting to get it on with him in a public phone booth while everyone stands and watches... is not appropriate. Her upbringing has also told her that you wouldn't want your brother to tie you to a table and take you from behind. So she remembers that magical thread of the Rakhi, fully convinced that tying this thread will cease the heaving. The boy who might have also been eyeing this girl would have just bought some chocolates and have worked out his entire speech of love... about how he will not only tie her to a table but also to a bed in a way which will make eagles blush. Just as he's about to make his move, the boy gets Rakhi-ed quicker than Mika Singh.

Oranges are pulpy fruits. They are naturally sweet and rich in vitamin C. You can squeeze the juice out of an orange using a juicer. 

The boy's brain from the point of the Rakhi feels pretty much like the orange. The girl is now convinced that her touching the boy will always be an honourable one... because its being governed by the sacred thread. This assumption usually turns out to be faulty when she touches the boys groin or licks ice cream off his face. Unable to cope with the mixed signals he's getting from the girl, he might decide to get a girlfriend. These girlfriends usually die under mysterious circumstances. The knife on her usually would read.. "he's mine bit*h!!".

So now the boy has to talk about everyday things with the girl, even including stuff about who the girl will marry and how many kids she will have. All this while her hands are still safely inside his pants. Finally when the boy cant take it anymore, he make his non-brother-like move on the girl. She will retaliate and make a scene as though the guy put his hands on her chest when in fact ... umm ok that's what he did do... The girl in anger will never ever talk to the guy ever again .. for a whole evening. But since he's brother-like, his sin will be forgiven. This loop will go on of course till the next year when its time to renew the bond of the Rakhi brother. The boy will kill himself or her or a random pomeranian... OR... the Rakhi would be used to tie the girl to the bed we talked about earlier and the two of them would be bonded together in holy incestimony.

- humble me

Confusions of the world - Philippines

There are many words associated with the place Philippines:

You have - Philippines, Filipino, Filipina, Pilipino ... 

What is with all the spellings!

So here is how it is:

Philippines was earlier called : Las Islas Filipinas thanks to this dude whose name in Spanish was Felipe II de España. After a while the Americans landed and figured - "hey! the country's name is spelt wrong .. in our .. umm .. mother tongue(?), its spelt "Philip" .. So then the country's name became Philippines. 

But by then, the people born in the Island of Finipinas were already called Filipinos. This worked well for the race which could make the 'F' sound. But the locals couldn't really pronounce F.. The max that came out of their mouths was a P. (I'm sure you've been asked if you would like some Prench Pries to go...? or Puck you...?). So that explains Pilipinos. 

Now they really needed a language that all of Philippines could call 'National'. So then came the language Filipino which was basically Tagalog + (more stuff from the world). The letter F is a part of the language Filipino but not a part of Tagalog (Even if no one bothers to pronounce it). So that explains Filipino.

Women didn't feel sexy enough when they were referred to as Filipino. So they figured that they were to be given a separate oomph factor. And that explains Filipina.

So in summary we have:

Philippines - the country (pronounced with a F sound if you can .. else P sound)

Filipino - a male from Philippines (pronounced with a P by the locals and F by whoever can make F sounds)

Filipina - a female from Philippines (pronounced with a P by the locals and the world has no idea about this word)

Filipino - the national language of Philippines 

Pilipino - is that mispronounced word which everyone understands.

- humble me