Digestive Pyrotechnics: April 2012

Mumbaikars - People from Mumbai.

How did the name come into existence? One can only guess it is because the most popular surnames there end with a 'kar'. Like Tendulkar, Matondkar, Patekar, etc.

But when did Mumbai-ites become Mumbai-kars? They were never really Bombay-kars at any point, were they?

The reason could be their endless love for Delhi-ites (We must not sound like them!).

Wonder why the Matres and Gaitondes and Kales and Leles never said a word in opposition.

What good is a decision which doesn't piss off one half of a community right?

How was there never a fight about why people from Mumbai should be called ... umm .. Mumbai-es?

Hmm.. Think that answered the question right there.

What a Mumbaikar says	What the Mumbaikar means
It’s a fast city, if you can't keep up.. you'll be left behind	The city's size and traffic levels are waaaay too screwed up to use your own vehicle; if you don't run fast enough... you'll miss the train
Look the train is empty, let’s go	Look, there is enough space in that train for an entire mouse to squeeze into, let's not keep that up for long
People in Mumbai are warm and close to each other	People in trains are so close that they must rub up against each other and the friction creates the warmth
The city never sleeps	People are stuck in traffic jams on the road till wee hours in the night
He's gay	He rubs up against sweaty men even when he's not on a train
City has amazing flavours of food	The only flavour we know is chaat masala. We will make everything you eat or drink taste like chaat masala. What is that? The chocolate milk shake should taste of chocolate? Go to hell. Chaat Masala Rocks!
Mumbaikar spirit rocks!	I have no idea what I'm talking about
The train is a little crowded, but we can try to squeeze in	Let's try to bench-press Optimus Prime and his Autobots all at once
Men of Mumbai are Alsi Mard	Men of Mumbai call out to other men by means of a loud prolonged kissing sound pppmmmmmuuuuaaahhhhhhh
Boss	waiter; auto-rikshaw driver; sewer cleaner; maid; dad; brother; randi; hijda; police; mom; carpenter; bum on street; rapist; batman; watchman; hulk; ostrich; ...
Mumbai is the best place in the world	I have never seen any other place in the world but Mumbai
It was a usual day	I almost lost my limbs trying to jump into an over-crowded, moving train. Once I got in, I had to struggle to keep my footing so I don't get taken out of the train by the exiting crowd. Then I had my scrotum ripped off trying to push my way through to the exit. This was 25% of my journey - one way. 3 people died, 7 people got into fights on each compartment of every train. I got elbowed in my face 17 times. I had fruits with chaat masala on it. I had my pocket picked and fell into the drainage and lay there for 8 min
Doppler Effect	The change in frequency of the dholak and manjira for a stationary observer on the railway platform, when a train with a Bhajan group passes by
I had hot sex	I used a chat masala favoured condom
It’s started raining here last week	My car got washed away last week
The rains have become heavier this week	My car cleaner and his family got washed away this week
Today, the most bizarre thing happened!	Today I saw a man who ordered for watermelon juice and said NO to chaat masala
Surprisingly, I enjoyed all the western cartoons in Hindi when I was a kid	We didn't get cartoons in English on any of the TV channels
Hey, let’s go to the beach	Hey, let’s go to Goa coz we only have sewage as excuses for beaches
I'm a true Mumbaikar	I have lived and interacted with only my suburb and have no idea about the rest of Mumbai
Adventure runs in our blood	We have all once made the mistake of trying to get off at Borivilli from a fast local to Virar
Today is the worst day of my life	I forgot my mobile pouch of chaat masala