Rap Verses

Have you paid attention to a few of the English verses in Indian music?

There is a lot of entertainment sitting in there, so we should look into it.

Ek Ajnabi - Mama Told Me

Danger danger stranger is danger - watch it!
Ma mama told me don't be talking to stranger
Stranger is danger!

Once upon a time, a kid in school was told two rhyming words.. the words kinda stuck in the head and after many years some one came up to that very kid and asked for a rap verse, the first rhyming pair of words "stranger" and "danger" came out uncontrollably (exactly the way puke comes out through ones nose). Once these two words hit the creative board, there was no stopping the lyricist. He Just threw in some nouns and verbs in hindi and did a "translate to English"... and voila!

Can someone tell this moron that "stranger" is not a person's name?

Vaanam - Evan Di Unna Pethan

Oh Baby I Feel Like Flying
Flying Up Up Up In The Air
When I Look At You, You Look At Me Like
You Wanna Make Love To Me There

Up Up Up? Listen, just because you don't have a three syllable word in your vocabulary, you can't just take a one syllable word and repeat it how many ever times you want to fill up the gap. The line could have might as well been: 

• Up Up Up Up Up Up Air (you need the air for the rhyme)

You wanna make love to me there - where? There, up up up in the air? How? with who? the son of Krypton?

These are a guy's lines by the way..

If not up up up in the air, then where there? .. in that corner of the recording studio? the Death Star? Isengard? 

Any of the following would have worked, at least the intentions are clear:

• You Wanna Make Love To A Bear
• You Wanna Make Love On A Chair
• You Wanna Make Love To A Hare
• You Wanna Make Love And Compare
• You Wanna Make Love In A Day Care 

Or is it make love to a particular part of the body? "You wanna make love to me th... no no .. to the right.. a little below.. ahh.. There!"

Tara Rum Pum - Ab To Forever

Cheeka cheeka, cheeka there's my cheeeka girl,

Ain't no body goin' get now that's my cheeka girl.

Ok, where do we start on this one...

There are real words in English the last I checked. Its about writing 2 lines you know, not 20, not 200000, just TWO!

There are enough words in the dictionary.. you could even randomly select them and make up a more sensible verse (if we can call it that).

How is the above verse different from :

• Pee-ka Pee-ka, Pee-ka... Pee-ka Pee-ka Boo?

Cheeka girl?? ... we know the cheeky girls.. 

this song doesn't otherwise seem to be about them...

Some fool online was correcting another bunch of morons that the word is not "cheeka" .. and that it was "Jhinga" .. 
Ok.. A Jhinga Girl is a girl from Uganda .. how does that help?

"Goin' get now"? - exactly how retarded are these guys! The guy who came up with this surely won fastest lyrics first competition for 2 year olds.

Race - Race Is On My Mind

Move your body like a snake ma

Move your body like a snake charmer

This one ranks quite high in the idiocy chart because these lines are not even original. They fu*ked up while copying the rap verse (lines).

So although mama refers to chicks nowadays, ma still only refers to mother.

If you are a south Indian father, then you might be found referring to your daughter using "ma". 

eg: "Drink the filter coffee ma". 

In either cases you would not use "Move your body like a snake" before the word "ma", it would just not be .. umm.. socially appropriate.

(The original line for those who don't know was : Move your body like a snake, mama)

"Move your body like a SNAKE CHARMER" ??

This is a snake charmer :

Would you really care how he moves his body when you're instructing a hot 'mama' to do something?


Kismat Konnection - Aai Paapi

If u feeling me, Make some noise
Ladies And Gentlemen Raise Your Voice.
Nan-Nan Na-Na-Na, Nan-Nan Na-Na-Na,

Nan-Nan Na-Na-Na, Nan-Nan-Naa!

Its not really about the first two lines here.

Here's a worthwhile exercise.

Take the last two lines of Naa's, and put them in any basic sound editing software. Now loop it, loop it may be 3 times (if more than 3, you stand the risk of haemorrhage)

The result that you now have, is what crazy frog would use as his annoying ring tone. Go on, have a hear, hit the play button.

You can use this as a high priority alarm tone in situations where you have to:  
- wake up to catch a flight.
- wake up and leave her house before her husband comes back.
- scare your kids with just 'one' loop to get them to do your dishes or whatever.


- humble me

Dobby

- humble me

Challenged

Euphemisms are things that one should not really waste time with.

But if you are hell bent on using it, you might as well get it right.

Take this for instance: Horizontally Challenged

What is with the usage of the phrase? When a vertically challenged person lacks height, a mentally challenged person lacks mental skills, a horizontally challenged person.. well should lack width.

So whats with calling FAT people horizontally challenged? 

Fat people should be --> Horizontally Challenging.

Look at the image below,

Who do you think is the frikking challenger here?

Get it right the next time... (but keep a safe distance).


-humble me

Formula Movies

Oh how formula movies of the 90's are dearly missed by everyone!

What is a formula movie?

In India, in an industry called Bollywood before the name Bollywood got popular, there were action movies made. Like all matter is governed by laws of physics, all action movies were governed by the laws of "formula movies".

Watching a formula movie is like watching WWE, you know its all rigged.. you know every dialogue before its spoken.. you know every move of the villain, hero and heroine. But you still sit and watch it! 

If you consider your self too good for the 90's Hindi action movies.. then you should just have some mother's milk f*%ker!

The rules of the formula movies fell in to many categories.

Character based rules:

Hero's Sister 

This is a very central character in the movie. It is this character that will shape the latter half of the movie. (Hero's sister may or may not be his blood relative, pls refer to the point number 1 of this post)

There will usually be an annoying song involving how gullible she is and how elder brotherly the hero is.

If you look closely at the forehead of this character, you will see the word 'DEATH' written on it. Yes, this character will die at the hands of the villain or villain's henchmen. The usual ways of death include:

• Raped by villain or the henchmen OR the villain and the henchmen... she then chooses to stab herself. It is only after this will the hero make his appearance... so that she can ask him 'how she looks on a scale of 1 to 10 with that trickle of blood from her mouth'.

• A variation of the above is that the villain or the henchmen close in for the rape, and the lady smartly finds a giant-ass dagger lying around. Then she gives them her 2-step warning... "don't come any further.."  "don't come any further..". Once she's done with this.. she then rips her guts out with the dagger. (Somehow she decides that trying for the villain's guts is of lower priority). Once this is done.. the villains quickly get away and the hero makes his entry as in the case above.

• She could be the sole inhabitant of the house which is rigged with a bomb by the dastardly villains. Just as the hero screams out her name, she will be sent into a zillion pieces. (at that time she's most probably humming a pleasant, soothing tune)

• Thrown off the roof of a tall building, or jumps off.. which ever comes first.

In any case, her death will pave the storyline of the remaining movie.. which is : Find villain and henchmen and destroy them with bare fists.

Villain

This is the second most important character in the movie. If the hero doesn't have a sister, then this is the most important. The villain usually is a rich character because he's a super mob boss, or a major smuggler or weapons dealer or woman trader or illegal land seller... usually he's all off the above. He's probably the best dressed guy in the movie. He will have an elaborate house with plenty of henchmen living with him (in the hall). The following characters could be the villain:

• stand alone mob boss who is not related to the hero or heroine other than the fact that he's killed the hero's or heroine's sister / mother / father or all of them while laughing and saying yo mama jokes. He could have done this in the recent past or may have done the killing at a time when the hero or heroine was a kid.

• the heroine's father stands the greatest opportunity to be a villain, its never the hero's father. (It is possible that the villain can turn out to be the hero's father in the end - like star wars, but otherwise the declared father of the hero is never the villain). The heroine's father on the other hand can be either the main villain or a team lead to the henchmen. This character will surely die and at the moment of death, the heroine will care less for her father than Donald duck cares about wearing pants.

• the minister. This character is an accurate description of how a minister would act in front of a mirror if no one were looking at him.

The end of the movie will always see the villain beaten to near death by the hero's fists. To understand why 'near death' you'll need to read on.

Henchmen

These are a constant in all the movies .. not just the characters, the actors as well. They have the same sinister laugh in all pre-rape sequences - the same noise you'll hear when you kick a horse in its nuts and play the resultant sound in slow motion. They are also dressed in the same clothes.. through the 90s you can actually see the color of their clothes fading. Their moment of fame in the movie is when they fall off a tower or through a wall of glass while performing a triple spin, double flip slam to the concrete floor. Most of their necks and backs will be broken by the hero.

Lonesome Friend

There are always single characters in a movie (as in guy without a chick or vice versa). They could be single right from the start of the movie or could have been made single coz their better half was driven over by a truck, usually driven by villain. This character also has DEATH on his/her forehead but there is a catch. If the better half was killed in the movie, then the character will last till the end but will be finished off somewhere during or before the climax. If the character is a single, over-jovial character, then you can see a well deserved colorful death by the mid of the movie.

Heroine

This is the main chick of the movie. Though she might be initially introduced with a bunch of girls, they will be erased from existence once the heroine makes her first full sentence. The heroine always opens her innings in the movie by having petty fights with the hero. Her first dialogues usually involve the words "scoundrel" .. "idiot (mostly pronounced eej-iot)". All this will then be quickly replaced by "how she sees the studly hero in the otherwise apparently rural, stinky, uneducated, uncouth roadside person". The heroine is good for one almost-rape sequence, one kidnap and one climax sexy song at the villains den.

Oh yeah.. and at some points in the movie, the heroine will get slapped for something or the other. (by the mother, villain, pet dog etc)

Heroine's Friends

These are girls who are picked up from railway stations and pavements. They are then given clothes and a hair-do. Their faces are left unwashed coz this helps boost the quality of the heroine's looks in comparison. They are given key lines in conversations like "Hehehehe" or "Hi friends" or "Hehehehe".

Police

The police is there to give the reality feel to the reel. They always arrest the wrong guy, stay asleep through the entire movie's happenings and don't have any real guns. The fitting of their uniforms makes you wonder how they can run or sit without spitting their balls out from all the pressure.

Bad Police

There is always a bad cop all the way on top, powerful and fully medal-ed.. who visits the villain's house to fall on his feet now and then and for some free biscuits. You can hear this man call himself a "faithful dog" many a times in the movie.

Hero

This is the most boring character of the movie. His actions are controlled buy all of the other characters. The Sister and Lonesome Friend give him his story line, the Heroine gives him the songs, erection and direction to the villain's house, the Police to run from and Villain to beat up.

Situation based rules:

Death of the villain

The hero will never beat the villain up and follow through with a kill. Nope, he will always spare him and make sure the villain lies next to a gun, bazooka, knife, nunchucks, dildo, tank etc. Once the hero turns his head the villain then picks up the weapon of choice and attacks the unsuspecting hero. This is a fine moment in the film to get rid of extra characters like the hero's mother, Lonesome Friend, etc. Any of the said characters will intercept the attack of the villain on the hero and roll over and die. Its after this moment that the villain will be killed.

Rich Dad Poor Dad

There is a constant rule of opposites. Either the hero's dad is rich and the chick's is poor or vice versa. Both can't be poor and both most definitely can't be rich. And invariably the girl is rich coz that's the only way you can dress her up and give her a big intro in slow-motion (if the girl does happen to be poor, then this intro scene would be a dream sequence). The gap between the rich and the poor is also fixed. The rich heroine is usually gifted a restaurant every month by her dad and she eats every recipe just once in her life. The poor hero's dad would usually read out loud a recipe book to the family as their dinner.

That just about covers the rules of the "Formula Movies".

A variation of these formula movies were the super-big-budget-action films. This would involve three heroes, three heroines, lots of singles, lots of villains and a finale climax song which would then explode into a massive one for all fist fight brawl. In spite of all the commotion and noise created by the brawl, the cops still wouldn't show until they are told - "dudes, you might wanna show up now, the next scene in the movie are the credits!".

- humble me

Teleportation

Teleportation - is a term that refers to a number of theories and notions concerning the transfer of matter from one point to another without traversing through the physical space between them.

And now how did this phenomenon come into existence?? People over centuries have come up with various theories and there have been active debates between various scientists, scholars, sages, tantric voodoo practitioners around the world questioning the very possibility of the phenomenon.. And then there are general people who have witnessed this in the movies or in video games and think "Woah - this is cool".. But the simple truth is just that it's a daily occurrence in one of the most happening cities in India.. Hmm..  Still not getting it.. Now let's try answering this question - Which Indian city is otherwise known as the city - "which never sleeps"?? If you didn't guess this, then you can stop reading right here and find a metal pipe and point your temple towards it and do a vertical 100 meter fall.. Even then, here's a clue: This city boasts of the power of vada paav which enhanced Bhappi Lahari's vocal abilities by expanding and aligning his neck to his waist size and currently measures up to n! (where n is infinity)- And now coming back to the actual phenomenon - Let's answer another question - This celebrated city has the most prided form of transportation in the whole world? - This one's easy and yes it's indeed the freaking local trains. Millions of people are quiet oblivious to the fact that they are indeed the source behind one of the most mind-boggling theories of all times - 'teleporting'. Here's a picture that says it all - 

And well this is what happens when the teleportation just goes wrong..  

- Bumble Bee

Tripping... Tumbling...

Every one knows what it is to trip...

Everyone has tripped and tumbled many a times in their lives.

Everyone’s even laughed at someone else tripping and falling... well some people are funny when they trip and fall... you can't help but laugh... they’ve been created in a way to look funny when they fall. So its okay if you also were one of those people who secretly laughed at a fat person tripping on his shoe lace first, then on a banana peel and dived down a flight of stairs and broke his fall on a slab of reinforced titanium. Santa will still give you your present unless he was that fat person.

Typically humans trip a lot... being you know.. bi-ped and all...

Sometimes we can even see 4 legged animals tripping..

If you tried really hard.. you can even imagine a tyrannosaurus rex trip and fall…
 

 

But what on earth made this thing trip??

- humble me

(other fun observations include:
 - the biker who's got the expression you would have when a fly sits on you... and not an auto.
 - the dude on the right celebrating the activity with a dance and hand clap)

The Abomination

The following situation is both applicable to dance classes or aerobics sessions.

Many of us have been to the gym, taken up a membership .. felt good about our decision to lead a healthy life. And then the next day overslept .. lost the inertia for gymming all together and ended up feeling guilty and acquired a drinking habit as a result.

If one of such attempts involved an aerobics class or a dance class (when I say dance class, I mean group choreography, not Salsa/Jive) .. you must have encountered the Abomination.

Its easy to spot the Abomination, it will be a large person. (Of course if you're in an aerobics class that has all fit hot bodies bouncing it.. you're probably on the sets of a porn flick and you're not needed .. so take the exit)

What is an Abomination you ask?

An Abomination is that large person in the aerobics/dance class who is gifted with the following amazing skills:

 1) The gift of "all space was created for me to occupy". If there is a nice staggered formation in the session, the Abomination will most definitely choose to stand at a spot which would cause so much chaos, no butterflies would ever flap their wings. The position of choice would also eclipse the instructor from the remaining people in the class/world.

2) The gift of "all weight must be lost today". If there is a step that involves moving one foot to the right and one to the left, the Abomination will move to the right, wreck through the walls of the dance studio, plough through houses and schools on the right and then through the slums, offices and restaurants on the left. To get a sense of the variation in movement between the Abomination and the other people in class check below:

3) The gift of "all the toes' a stage". If you're fat and have not seen your toes for ages, you will be rudely reminded that your toes do exist and that they have blood vessels and nerve endings too! The Abomination will make sure to systematically step on everyone's toe during each cycle of a step. So if you think you're hearing people eating chips as they dance, you're mostly wrong and will soon need a doctor.

4) The gift of "beat me if you can". Its well known that the mass of a body causes gravitational pull on smaller masses around, and that the movement of the larger mass causes the smaller mass to follow. Though this is the science regarding matter, scientists have been able to confirm that this is not the case when it comes to rhythm. The rhythm of a music piece will not really give a f@$k about anyone and will continue to hold its pace. The Abomination is always completely unaware of this piece of scientific info. Expecting to see rhythm sense in an Abomination is like expecting to see a male t-rex's sex organ on a female sea-horse. The Abomination will always move flawlessly mis-coordinated with the beat that's playing. . Anyone else who gets a glimpse of this can encounter a catastrophic death. This is usually because the left half of the observer's brain will disagree with the right and both halves will then decide to enter the food stream and eventually be excreted. You'll be left embarrassed and dead at the same time.

Remember, the Abomination will combine and use all these skills at once. So hopefully you can use this info to locate the Abominations in your aerobics/dance classes before its too late for you.

- humble me.